


I can't help but want oceans to part

by Ambros



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: But just a lot of fluff honestly, Character Study, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spoilers for S02E03, The Malec aftermath of the episode basically, a bit of angst, i guess a bit of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:12:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9382010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambros/pseuds/Ambros
Summary: - It's the worst feeling he's ever felt and that's why he just – doesn't do that anymore, doesn't hope when there's no hope left, recognises when something is just lost, because that's a kind of pain that makes you insane, plays with your humanity, with that resilient will to change the world and make possible the impossible.And then – and then there's Alec.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> This is just a very short fluffy thing I wrote because (as usual) Fra asked me to, so, I hope it's decent ...?   
> As usual, English isn't my first language so, there might be a few mistakes: feel free to point them out! :)  
> Let me know what you think! I hope you like it :)
> 
> Title is, obviously, from War Of Hearts by Ruelle.

There is sort of a surprising lesson Magnus has learned from his immortality, and it's – it's harsh, but, then again, he isn't really surprised, and the point is – nobody survives. It's probably the only certain lesson he's learned, and it's taken him a while too – Camille used to make fun of him when they'd first met because Magnus was still so intent on saving everyone, he was so _desperate_ , he'd use all of his magic and lose his voice, he'd stay awake until his eyes felt like sandpaper just trying to _save_ someone, people and Downworlders and Shadowhunters, but, no matter how powerful he'd become, there had been nothing, _nothing_ he could do to save most of them, and that's a lesson he's had to learn, when to let go, when to stop hoping, when to stop praying – how to stop hurting himself with something he couldn't control.

It's the worst feeling he's ever felt and that's why he just – _doesn't_ do that anymore, doesn't hope when there's no hope left, recognises when something is just _lost_ , because that's a kind of pain that makes you insane, plays with your humanity, with that resilient will to change the world and make possible the impossible.

And then – and then there's Alec, and Magnus realises he hasn't tried hard enough because there he is, _hoping_ , once again, and _praying_ and running against time and consuming himself, because something he's never learned is how to give up, and that might sound cool and important when it's about fighting, but the truth is it _sucks_ , it _hurts_ , he doesn't even care that magic just keeps flooding out of him because Alec is _dying_ , that's what's happening, he's _dying_ and Magnus can't _do_ anything, Alec is in his _arms_ and Magnus _can't reach him_ , it doesn't matter how _powerful_ he might be, he is _useless_.

Which is why – which is why he kisses him because – because he can't help but _hope_ , because he's never _learned_ and never will, he kisses Alec and keeps his eyes closed and hopes he will wake up, and when it doesn't happen his heart _breaks_ , there is no other word for it, he thinks if he had enough magic left in him he could burn the city down.

He keeps hoping, eyes closed, a tear running down his face, dragging his make-up on his skin, because it's Alec, he thinks, _it's Alec. He can't just go_.

And that's the point, really.

He's learned when to let go, but.

It's Alec.

He can't just go.

*

Izzy asks: -Are you coming back with us?-, her voice quiet, her gaze steady. Alec looks briefly over to where Magnus is standing, trying to look relaxed with his back against the wall: -I think I'll stay,- he says, slowly, -Tell them I was too weak to move,- and Izzy nods, gives him a small smile.

Alec waits until everyone has left before looking at Magnus – he looks tired and worn out, way worse than when he'd helped Luke, his shoulders are rigid and tense. He hasn't said a word since Alec has woken up.

-Are you okay?-

Magnus lifts his head slowly; his make-up is smudged under his eyes: -Shouldn't I be asking you that?- he asks, his voice low and scratchy.

Alec stands up slowly – he _is_ a bit too weak to move – and Magnus immediately takes a step forward, hand outstretched just in case, even though he probably doesn't have any magic left in him; Alec takes a couple of steps and says: -I'm fine.-; he's a bit dizzy but it's okay, he focuses on Magnus and moves slowly until he's standing in front of him. He says: -I'm fine,- again, because he thinks Magnus needs to hear it.

Magnus says: -I can see that,- sarcasm dripping from his voice, his back straight.

Alec sighs and says: -Magnus – -, but Magnus stops him, shakes his head slowly, exhaustion written in every line on his face: -Sorry.-

Alec takes a step forward, dares to move closer probably for the first time, he doesn't really know how to do this but he'll try: -It's okay.-

Magnus looks at him for a moment, and slowly and carefully caresses his cheek; his hand is rough and it's trembling. -You'll have to forgive me,- he says, softly and so very Magnus-like that Alec wants to smile, -I don't know how to be afraid like this anymore.-

Alec thinks he can understand – can't imagine how many times Magnus had to be afraid and he says: -I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.-

Magnus shakes his head, a small smile curling his lips, his fingers still hesitantly brushing Alec's skin: -It's fine,- and then he says: -Alec,- and it looks like he says it just to feel the shape of it on his lips, -I – If I have to be afraid because of someone, I'm glad it's you.-

He's smiling, soft and hurt, and Alec presses his lips against Magnus', something he hasn't done since the first time they've kissed, and brushes his hand against Magnus' cheek, destroys centuries of carefully built walls.

Magnus lets him.

  


*


End file.
